Changing Your Relationship

I was speaking to a client the other day who was telling me how difficult it was dealing with some of their spouse's behaviour. My client knows the spouse has a problem and is trying and trying to help, but to no avail, and the spouse doesn't change.

I suggested that my client change their response to the spouse. If my client cannot help, or the spouse is not willing/able to accept help (for some depression) then the only thing that can change is my client's response.

The point is, sometimes, many times, we focus on someone else's behaviour and get frustrated when they will not change. Whereas a behaviour can be or become about something between you, a solution can be to just change your behaviour and outlook, because that is something you do have control over.

Making Relationships Better

I had a client tell me he had been able to pay attention to his reactions when his partner got upset. His normal pattern was to withdraw, he noticed. " I would just shut down, and that made her even angrier." He decided to try something different--to stay present with her. The result was a remarkable improvement in their ability to communicate. It was hard for him to do--it was hard to break his part of the pattern, and to face his anxiety about someone being upset with him, but the result was not only effective in his relationship, but for him as an individual. "I don't feel so helpless now, I know there is something I can do to make things better."

Sometimes relationships fail when the pattern begins to feel so entrenched that people feel helpless. When they have tools, they feel like they have mastery and some control in theire lives and relationships. They feel better about the relationship, but they feel better about themselves, too. And when you feel better about yourself, you have more energy. For your relationship

Respect, Apologies, and Successful Relationships

Two of the things that make the largest differences in successful vs unsuccessful marriages is the degree and amoung of respect and apology/forgiveness that is given between partners.

Having trouble in your relationship? Look at the degree of respect you afford your partner, and the amount, and sincerity of your apologies. Apologizing is just one way of taking responsbility for what you done and how you have acted towards your partner. It is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of strength.

Taking responsibility also is indicative of the amount of trust that exists in a relationship. The less there is, the less vulnerable partners become, and the less they apologize and take responsibility.

But you can use these tools to BUILD strength and trust. It will feel scary and you may be resentful at first, but keep your mind and eye on the goal--and it will bring huge results.

Going to Bed Angry with Your Partner

Recently heard on the radio a discussion of whether one should or should not allow an argument to go unresolved overnight, thus having partners go to bed angry. Conventional wisdome says no. I say, sometimes. There are times when, after the initial anger settles, we realize it is not a big deal. Also, it gives us time to get to what is really bothering us, so that we don't just hit out. It allows us to get to the place where we can say, " I feel hurt" or "It meant to me that I am not important," etc. instead of saying, "You are an inconsiderate blob." There are times when we are exhausted from the day and it is not a good time. The thing to do, is agree to discuss it at another time, and set a firm time, which both parties will adhere to.

Couples Therapy

Dr. Sue Johson, developer of Emotionally Focussed Therapy, has just published her latest book. " Hod Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" is a manual for couples in some ways. IT teaches the basics of EFT and helps people to understnad why it works, by giving them access to examples and specifics.

When the Past Runs the Future, and Destroys a Marriage

In an interview with a couple who have been together for many years, the other day he was complaining to her about the way she does things. That set her off and they almost got into a fight. I intervened and started talking with him about what it was about these things she did that bothered him. He just kept saying I don't know, I don't know, until finally, he sat bolt upright and with a startled look, started talking about something traumatic which had happened to him a long time ago, and how he had reacted to it. That reaction was a commitment to himself to live in a certain way, but it had become ultimately, destructive to him, and it was destroying his marriage. As we talked about this event and these times, he realized how it was running him, and that he could let that go. He didn't need it, and he didn't need his wife to be that way either. He could let her be her, and appreciate what she is and how she is.

So sometimes it really is our past which is running our relationships, it is our stuff that we need to take responsibility for and look at. The result is what can save a marriage.

Why Are We Arguing

Ever notice you are having the same argument again and again? That you bring up the same things? Like you are on a carousel, and though you both want to get off you can't?

Sometimes, we end up in a position, which we think is the only solution to a problem. To give up the solution, we think, might mean our needs are not met, and our fears are not addressed.

Try to figure out what the goal is--what is the question you are trying to answer.

Then ask yourself, and listen to your partner--what are your needs? What are your fears? What will help you to feel included, safe, listened to?

THEN and only then, come up with lots of solutions. Brainstorm. Maybe one of the ideas will be a solution which meets the needs, fears, desires, of you both.

It's Not What They Say, It's What You Hear

I was out with a colleague the other day doing a joint interview of a caregiver we are considering hiring for an elderly client. The person we were interviewing made a comment. She was describing a client with dementia, mentioned Lewy Body Disease and then asked if we knew what that was. As we both have worked with aging for between twelve and twenty five years, we did.

Afterwards, my colleague mentioned this comment, but she had taken the comment in a much differnt manner than I did. She was a little insulted, and wondered if it had been almost a putdown, or a subtle dig.

It just reminded me about how much that happens in relationships is not about what someone says to us--it is about how we take it. We give things meaning. Sometimes we base this on what we know about the person saying it. But very often, it is based on something that is going on inside of us.

In working with couples, I often talk to them about the need to look at their interpretive process. It is hard to do. But that is where the work needs to come from. Interpretations have to do with our background, our experience, our trust levels, our fears, our stress levels, etc.

When couples are fighting, it is easier to interpret comments in a way that prevents the person saying them from getting closer. Our interpretations sometimes protect us.

And do us harm.

The Laughter Quotient

One way to look at the state of your relationship is to look at how much pure fun you are having. How much do you laugh? Joke? How much can you laugh at yourself with your partner? How much fun and how much play?

These are the tools, especially the laughter, that help put things in perspective. The laughter is what breaks the tension, and helps you say to yourself and your partner that you are ready to let it go.Shared laughter brings you closer, and the private jokes between you are what helps make strong boundaries in your relationship. At a physiological level, laughter helps lessen stress and strenghtens the immune system.

Look for jokes, buy an anthology of Herman, or some other daily comic strip, tell your partner the stupidest thing you did when you were a kid, or what your mother used to do that drove you crazy...

Couples: Your Experience Is Not Theirs

In about the fourth session of seeing one young couple, I turned to the wife and explained to her that what she was seeing in her partner isn't anger--it is fear. " Fear of what?" she asked me.

I told her that sometimes people are fearful of what they want--closeness and caring, and when they get it, they can feel overwhelmed by it. Sometimes people shut down, sometimes people withdraw, and sometimes they push back, almost as though they are trying to give themselves some breathing room.

She was quiet for a moment, and then asked, " But how can you be afraid of love?"

There was some ridicule in her voice, disdain that came from not understanding how someone else could be afraid of something which she isn't.

Her'es the point--often our partners have different views of things, events, processes, that we have; and they have different experiences of things than we have had. It can be hard to appreciate those differences if we do not understand them, or even know of them. Often, it is hard for one partner to articulate them. Often too, the misunderstanind comes from not listening.

Listening means exploring someone's reactions and feelings--getting to the bottom of them, without putting ourselves in there. Frankly, it means putting our own reactions aside and --shutting up--long enough to create the space in which a partner can speak.